If you do not have anything to say, do not force the dialogue. Especially sensitive issues.
Nadirah Angail, a mental health professional who works with pregnant and new mothers, has had with individuals who do not realize how private and personal the choice and ability to give birth is.
“There are so many variables that go into when/if a woman gives birth. But most people don’t think of that when they ask these questions,” she advised Bored Panda. To exemplify exactly how harmful they could be, Nadirah composed a remarkably honest and poweful text called Mind Your Own Womb. The psychological piece delves into the lives of 3 (literary ) girls, showing that there is always more under the surface.
Somewhere there’s a girl: 30, no kids
Image credits: Rabbit Hole/OddLot Entertainment (not the actual photo)
People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response fluctuates from day to day, but it typically includes forced restraint and smiles. “Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration. “Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says prior to leaving, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The blossom leaves. The lady holds her grin. Alone, she yells…
Cries because she has been pregnant 4 times and miscarried each one. Cries since she began trying to get a baby on her wedding night, which was 5 decades back. Cries since her husband has an ex-wife and she’s given him kids. Cries since she needs desperately to test in vitro but can not even manage the deposit. Cries because she is done in vitro (multiple rounds) and has no kids. Cries since her very best friend would not be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she explained. Cries since her medicine prevents pregnancy.
Cries since her husband blames himselfand that guilt makes him a difficult man to live with. Cries because most her sisters have kids. Cries because one of her sisters did not even want kids. Cries since her very best friend is pregnant. Cries since she got invited into a different baby shower. Cries since her mum keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting for?” Cries since her in-laws would like to be grandparents. Cries since her neighbor has twins and treats them horribly. Cries since 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she is an awesome aunt. Cries because she has already picked out names. Cries because there is a vacant room in her home. Cries since there’s an empty space within her entire body. Cries since she’s so much to offer you. Cries because he would be a fantastic dad. Cries because she would be a wonderful mother, but is not.
Somewhere else there is another girl: 34, 5 kids
Image credits: francois karm
People convey for her, “5? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And they then laugh… because these kinds of remarks are humorous. The woman laughs also, but not in earnest. She alters the topic, as she always does, also provides the disrespect a pass. Just a different day. Alone, she yells… Cries because she is pregnant with the other and feels like she must conceal the joy. Cries since she always wanted a large family and does not see why folks look so upset by it. Cries since she doesn’t have allies and felt profoundly lonely as a kid. Cries since her Granny had 12 and she would really like to be like her.
Cries since she could not imagine life with no kids, but people treat her as if they are a punishment. Cries since she does not need to be pitied. Cries because her and her husband are absolutely capable of supporting their loved ones, but it does not appear to matter. Cries since they assume she is just irresponsible. Cries because she is tired of this “funny” comments. Cries since she heads her own business. Cries because occasionally she doubts herself and wonders when she should’ve ceased 2 children ago. Cries since people are impolite. Cries because she needs to do is live in peace.
Another girl: 40, one kid
Image credits: Victoria_Borodinova (not the actual photo)
People state for her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?” “I’m happy with my one,” she says , a rehearsed answer she has granted more times than she could count. It’s fairly forgettable. No one would suspect that alone, she yells… Cries since her one pregnancy was a wonder. Cries since her son asks for a sister or brother. Cries since she always desired at least 3. Cries since her next pregnancy had to be declared to save her life. Cries since her doctor says it’d be “high-risk.” Cries because she is fighting to take care of the one she’s.
Cries since her husband died and that she has not found love . Cries since her family believes one is sufficient. Cries because she is deep into her livelihood and can not step away. Cries since her postpartum depression was so extreme. Cries since she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries since she wants another baby, but can not have it.
These girls are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our own co-workersour cousins. They have no use to our advice or remarks. Their wombs are their very own. Let’s respect that.
Image credits: Joey Thompson (not the actual photo)
When asked about the ideal answer a girl could give to those queries, Nadirah stated it is dependent upon how comfortable she’s being confrontational. “She could be direct and say that’s a rude and inappropriate question, but not everyone feels comfortable saying that, especially to a respected elder in the family. In that case, it may be easier to say as little as possible. If someone asks when she’s having a baby, she could say ‘Whenever the time is right,’ and change the subject. Keep it short and sweet, but never feel forced to share private information.”
Nadirah also added that if she published this text, she got a great deal of comments from women who do not desire kids. “They felt left out of the conversation. That wasn’t my intention. This is written the way it is because it’s based on real conversions I’ve had around the topic of wanting children. But of course, we should all show the same respect to women who do not want children. Their body, their choice.”